Alex Goy's Guide to Automotive Christmas Tat 2024
'Tis the season for fun, hugs, drinking too much, carefully deciding what's a next-year problem and what needs to be begrudgingly done before the year ends. It's also a time for giving your nearest and dearest presents. It's always wonderful to receive a pressie, though if you're a car person, the wide array of… things on the market can be a minefield for well-meaning gift givers to pick through.
Gone are the days of the annual Clarkson book and DVD; today, every manufacturer is its own shop, lifestyle brand, and even high-end fashion house (Ferrari - I'm looking at you… there's some genuinely nice stuff in that store now). As with everything, some are better at merch and others. I spent an afternoon perusing the internet for the sort of stuff you have to be VERY dedicated to covet for Christmas 2024. Of course, taste is subjective, and you may not agree. That's fine. Just don't invite me to your house for dinner.
Mercedes Money Clip
You can always rely on Merc for selling some grade-A tat. For the person who has everything (including a C220CDI), still uses cash, and wants people around them to know that they really like cars from Stuttgart… the Merc Money Clip. £76.50 gets you a place to put your millions on easily snatchable display to the rest of the populace. You could use it as a cardholder, I guess?
Range Rover Objet D’art(?)
Arty models of cars can be very cool. Iconic shapes rendered in concrete, marble, steel… whatever do look good on a shelf. If the shape is iconic enough (hello, Porsche 911), guests will know what it is at a glance and ask questions. Should a visitor spot this Range Rover Sculpt in Batumi Gold on your desk, they may well have questions - principally, 'Why on earth have you got a shiny brick on your desk?' Gold not your jam? There's a whole palette to choose from, all as bricky as the last. The Range Rover is an iconic car, but is it a piece of art..? No.
C8 Corvette Diamond Ring
Dropping $2,000 or more on a diamond ring is a huge gesture. One that can end in a big party if you do it right. What if, at the crucial moment, your paramore looks down at the box you're holding hopefully towards their face and sees it's got 'Corvette' embossed on the side? The C8 Corvette Diamond Caliper Ring may well put the brakes on a happy dinner that night. As they storm away, your cries of "But the website said it's 'A Breathtaking Blend of Elegance and Horsepower!' that's got to count for something, right?" will fall on deaf ears.
A Renault 5… Pen
The maths isn’t maths’ing on this one… If the new Renault 5 is your bag, Renault has pages and pages of genuinely cool R5-themed stuff for you. Designed within an inch of its life, the mugs, shirts, books, and more are just wonderful. The cassette player (yes, a real cassette player) is so achingly cool you'll wish you still owned cassettes. A Bic four colour R5 pen though? Why not five colours. Why not make it fit? Or make it a Renault 4 pen? It's so close to being right. Also, it's eight euros, which is obscene for a biro.
Ford Grand C-Max Toy
“I heard you like toy cars”. There's always a well meaning aunt that hears you're into something once when you're, like, seven, and that's the theme for the rest of your life. They'll create a mythology around your love of The Thing, and to satisfy it, they'll (lovingly) leap through hoops to ensure you're well taken care of. That same aunt will have found this Ford Grand C-Max model and think they've made your year. They will have, but maybe not for the reasons they hope. Their quest is a noble one, but every quest has a misstep or two.
Ram Sherpa Throw Blanket
Words are hard - and that’s OK. There's something to be said about a good pun. There's something to be said about an obsession with cars. Very, very occasionally, the two go together very well. This is not one of those times.
The Audi Sweatdress - yes, really.
“The problem here isn’t the size, darling”. Buying your significant other, if you're in tune with their style, is a wonderful skill to have. It shows you know how they like to present themselves and appreciate the effort they put in. Audi's fashion lineup this year isn't bad at all, but here's a guarantee: presenting your significant other with a four-ringed 'sweatdress' is not going to win you points. "I have brought you… a sack." You have earned… a night on the couch.
An Unnecessarily Expensive BMW X7 Toy
‘Anyone for some roleplay?? Toy cars are great. No matter the surface, their tyres will squeal, and they all sound like they've got screaming V10s. They can (usually) keep up with each other and clock at least 300mph without trouble. Well, they can do all that in the hands of a small human with a big imagination. This X7, though? It'll cut in half way through a chase and pretend not to notice. Or it'll tailgate the Batmobile.
MG Cyberster ‘Lady Scarf’
Can we call this high fashion? Before the MG4 became the UK's EV darling, and long after the MGB went off sale, the sheer volume of utter guff with an MG badge slapped on was untrue. You name it; chances are you could find an 'MG' version of it. Today's MG isn't quite as free'n easy with its logo, but delve on its website and you'll find this, the Cyberster Lady Scarf. It's, erm, quite the look. Few things say 'chic' quite like it.
Bentley USB Charging Cable
“Charge me up, but not like that.” Short of telling people what you drive at the point of first meeting (funny how you always know who drives a Tesla, isn't it?), It's quite hard to tell people what you drive unless they ask. That is unless you have some Bentley charge cables. Not only will your car get from 0-62mph in no time, but your phone will get a quick… charge…? At least they've been tested for up to 10,000 bends, though. NOT UNLIKE THE NEW CONTINENTAL GT AMIRITE?!
Found some worse stuff? Let us know via the usual channels!
words by Alex Goy
